Neo’s true confessions
Regular readers here know I don’t usually go in for personal revelations. It’s not that my life is absent from my own blog, but I ordinarily cite something only as a jumping-off place for some of my thoughts and reflections. And there’s an awful lot I leave out.
One of the big things I left out – as readers here have also learned recently – has been a long-term and deep relationship with Gerard Vanderleun. Some people here have surprised me by saying that they suspected something of the sort; others are a bit gobsmacked. I would have thought the latter group would be enormous and the former nonexistent, probably because on the surface we seemed so very different, almost opposites? And in real rather than virtual life, we were very different, but for each of us our online presentation was not the whole story of who we would be if you were to meet us in actuality, and in real life the differences were not as acute although they certainly existed.
Gerard had a very strong presence, as you might imagine. When he walked into a room you couldn’t really ignore that fact that he was there. And he could be wildly, wildly amusing and playful – the extrovert and life of the party when “on.” Not me, as you might imagine, although I can offer a few laughs myself in a pinch.
But life isn’t lived at parties, and there’s a lot of downtime. We always had something to talk about, and we respected each others’ minds. I can’t possibly describe our relationship except for bits and pieces, and probably will go on to tell a few anecdotes. But that’s just the iceberg’s tip.
But in the interests of the personal confessional, I’ll link to Gerard’s post called “Attack of the Food Eroder — or — “The Ninja Nibbler of the Night”, and add that the Food Eroder, c’est moi.
“shame overcame the eroder and the container was placed carefully back in the refrigerator so that it would appear to be undisturbed” ))))))))))) my daughter does the same
Too much of this kind of thing going on…
Too many have gone in the past few years…
at least in my life
Neo, take all the time you need to grieve. We all understand.
artfldgr:
True for me, too. All irreplaceable.
Apologies for this levity.
Nevertheless (as if someone can benefit from it): He vas my boyfriend!
Gerards essay really read like a labor of love, Neo.
As quoted in “Good Will Hunting”:
“She’s been dead 2 years and that’s the (stuff) I remember: Wonderful stuff, ya know, little things like that. Those are the things I miss the most, those little idiosyncrasies that I only know about, that’s what made her my wife. She had the goods on me too, she knew all my peccadillos. People call these imperfections, but they are not; ahhh … that’s the good stuff… and we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds.”
I’m glad Gerard shared it with us.
I’m glad that, in the end, you shared that it was you.
.
I loved that piece. I thought it was hysterical and touching. Also, it kind of hit close to home, being a recovering food eroder myself.
Very much looking forward to the tidbits.
Put me in the camp of those who had put you and Gerard together. I forget what the threads were, but there were three or four references that led to that connection in my mind; “I think these two are romantically involved, or, at least, passionate pen pals.” I don’t even think all three were from writing by you and Gerard. Maybe a comment one of you made about a comment somewhere that indicated a deeper link between you two.
Despite the tragic circumstances leading to your revelation, when I read your confirmation it made me glad. It is comforting to know this woman whose writing has been such a pleasure in my life has good, caring people looking out for her and bringing joy to her life. I feel the same when you mention your son and grandchild(ren). On your multi-part series regarding your eye surgeries I was very happy to read you and your ex-husband are still very close.
Although it makes you uncomfortable thanks for sharing these details. It is so nice to know someone so nice has family and friends to travel life’s journey with.
That’s hilarious, sdferr!
(One of my favorite scenes from that movie because it is so tiny. I love little nuggets like that. And that Frau Blucher shouts, “boyfriend!” as if she’s admitting they were Bonnie and Clyde. “Boyfriend” is such a charming, innocent word. What great writing. And acting, from Miss Chicago of 1946!)
(And if neo is turning over a new leaf and wanting to share more personal experiences from her life; I’ll lodge two requests:
1. I think you were a “family therapist” for most of your career (sorry if I’m not getting the term right)? You have such a sharp mind it would be interesting to read about some of the more challenging sessions you’ve had in your work.
2. You’ve mentioned you did not have a great relationship with your father. As someone with your background as a therapist it would be interesting, and perhaps very informative, to read what that was like. Someone as inquisitive as you who would grow to be rather expert in familial relationships and how to mend them, wrestling with the personal experience of dealing with issues in her own life as a child, teen and adult. Did that have something to do with your chosen profession?
The Food Eroder essay made me laugh! I’ve lived with one for the past 50+ years. Just in the last two days, he has messed up my supper menus (I’m the cook) by consuming some of the leftovers which were intended for the evening meal, for lunch, even after having been instructed specifically about it. He is now claiming fatigue and age-related hearing issues as excuses. Uh huh. A happy long-term relationship calls for flexibility and a sense of humor.
I’m thankful you’re the introvert.
I know you’ll share what would be heartfelt and real to the relationship, & keep the details behind the apple.
Thank you for that, Neo.
I only wish that I had been familiar with Gerard’s blog years ago. A few days ago, after reading your posts about Gerard, I was browsing the internet looking for things that Gerard had written. I came across one of his short stories, “The Second Lieutenant”. It was chilling. What a great writer! After reading the story, I found myself thinking about it days later.
I hope to find more of his writing.
The food eroder will always leave a little bit. One cookie. One banana. Two tablespoons of spaghetti sauce. One tablespoon of wine.
And, back in the day, half a joint.
A fun read. Somehow your neatness as a food eroder does not surprise me.
My mother-in-law was a nibbler but not really an eroder (it was her kitchen, after all, and she knew what was supposed to go into the next meal).
For the first few decades I knew my in-laws, when we only met occasionally because of the long distance separating them from our family, I marveled that she ate so little at the table.
She was very slim, and that seemed to me to be the reason, and I admired her self-discipline (not, sadly, a trait that I share, especially if chocolate is involved).
Later, we lived close enough together for me to help out in the kitchen at family meals.
Every time she sliced a fruit or vegetable, a couple of pieces didn’t make it to the plate.
Soups and sauces were continually tasted, a piece of the oven-roasted asparagus tested for done-ness, the last bit of pudding cleared out of the bowl before washing so it wouldn’t be wasted.
I no longer wondered how she managed to limit her appetite at the table, but how she managed to stay so thin!!
Very funny. And I confess to the practice of sometimes standing at the freezer door eating a few spoonfuls of ice cream out of the container. But usually I don’t do serious damage. And I *never* eat the leftovers without permission.
A question that’s been bothering me: how do you pronounce Vanderleun?
Mac:
Van der loon.
What a delightful post!
I laughed out loud reading the post.
Thanks for sharing.
Aha! so there is a phrase for such people – “Food Eroder”
Love the post and the term; even better to now know that our Neo is a food eroder!
How many want to bet that the other side of that apple has a bite taken out of it? LOL
re: Ninja Nibbler:
1 — Still trying to figure that one out… it’s dated 2022, but the comments are all dated 2019… 😛
2 — One of the commenters, “Brio”, notes:
A full half gallon of ice cream you say. I haven’t seen a true half gallon of ice cream in decades. Oh it looks like the traditional half gallon but the label says 1.5 quarts—decidedly less than a half gallon. Why it’s as if the food erosion starts before you bring it home from the store.
Yes, you can blame Breyers for this — it’s one reason I refuse to buy Breyers, no matter the price. They first started this crap**. Stuff that used to be a “standard” size — such as a half gallon of Ice Cream, or Orange Juice, and even Milk (though with milk it’s usually “alternatives”, such as Almond Milk) — are doing it now. There IS at least one brand, if it’s in your area, which has remained Honest, and they are the best brand of “over the counter” ice cream around, for my lights — Blue Bell. In the southeast, there is a store called Publix§, and its house brand is both decent and also still half gallons.
====
** To Be Fully Honest, it has been going on for at least 50y — yes, FIFTY YEARS — but only in one venue that I am aware of, and that is snack chips — Potato chips, Corn chips, and the like, Lays in specific (I first noted them doing it during a summer job in 1978). They’ve been doing it for at least that long, changing the content “by weight” while keeping mostly the same size container… and every once in a while, they increase the price and bump the size back up, usually with a big exclamation, “NEW!! Larger Size!!”
The main thing is, certain commodities have been consistent, while others have not. The decrease was done in regards to “sale by weight”. It was a second level of dishonesty to start doing it, in my opinion, in the stuff that was clearly a volume sized sale, by subtly decreasing the volume.
§ I’ve had reasons in the last couple years to spend considerable time in “other places”, outside the southeast… I certainly missed Publix.
P.S., Another thing I noted, and it seems to tie to the presence of “Walmart Supermarkets” — that is, those supermarkets owned/run by WalMart which are NOT “superstores” — in that that’s usually far and away the best place to buy Milk, it’s usually far lower at ALL the local Walmart markets (including the superstores). It runs at about 60% the price of milk everywhere else in the area. But it seems to ONLY get priced that way when the supermarket only stores are also in the area. They appear to use it as a “loss leader” to get people into the stores in those cases.
We are just two old people in our home now with grown kids, grandkids and one great grand baby, lots of years gone by. My wife and I have a system where the last one to use any provisions in our pantry or fridge adds the item to our weekly shopping list or at the least, talking about me, place the empty container beside the shopping list. All condiments have back up in the pantry that is to be replaced when put into use, includes five types of mustard, ketchup, sauces and peanut butter. Weekly replacement of back up perishables and rotation of perishables like milk, eggs, cheese and bacon in the fridge. As for ice cream my wife pays way to much for those little single serving sizes and enjoys her own flavors and I like a bit of gelato that cares nothing for.
We we have guests we tell them to enjoy and help themselves to anything in the house and please when the use the last add it to the grocery list so we can replenish it on the next weekly shopping trip. Since we no longer go out to eat we can afford to purchase good food ingredients for out meals and I enjoy cooking better dishes than are offered in most places where we can afford to go out for dining. Between post Covid restaurants cooking and service we are not missing going out and enjoy our own fine meals at home even when the price of eggs and bacon has gone up. We also have between two and three months supply of food and paper supplies on hand all of the time, just in case.
No surprises even during the wee small hours of darkness. However if Neo ever wants to come down here in Texas for a visit she would be welcome to visit our fridge 24 hours per day.
One of my favorite stories of his.
It tickles me no end to know that it was you.
Van der loon
Neo, you, of all people, should know that it’s Van der Loin.
mikeski:
Have you ever made Gerard’s personal acquaintance? Surely, over the years, he would have introduced himself in Neo’s presence many times, not to mention their initial meeting. I rest my case.
mikeski may be making a crude joke, or just pointing out that “eu” in German and maybe some other languages is pronounced “oi”, more or less. That’s the main thing that was puzzling me about Gerard’s name.
E.g Neunundneunzig Luftballons, which has been in my head this morning because of the Chinese ballon in the news.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fpu5a0Bl8eY
Interesting on pronunciations. Americans tend to pronounce “eu” as a long “u,” whereas Europeans will say “oi.” So Vanderleun’s distant ancestors may have said it the other way, and gradually Americanized.
OldTexan, we have that put-the-last-one-on-the-list system here. My husband, a manufacturing guy, calls it a kanban, after the Japanese just-in-time inventory system. She or he who fails to put it on the shopping list is spoken to sternly by the other one.
The reason I suspected a relationship was from Gerard’s end, he clearly admired you and was interested, and when he posted here there was an odd sense of familiarity. But I only really twigged to things a couple of years ago during one of your trips to California, a coincidence of timing and place if you will. Of course, I couldn’t be certain, but the evidence was enough that this was one of the first places I came looking for news after he entered hospice.
Reminds me of a funny incident. My aunt and uncle were divorced, but on good terms. One evening I was visiting my aunt with my mother, everyone was there, and I mentioned an affair my father had had. My uncle got the oddest expression on his face, and whispered, “That was supposed to be a secret”. My aunt says “Oh, Paul, everyone knew about that.” Strange thing, I hated the woman involved when I was a boy, but later ran into her at my uncle’s funeral and found her a very attractive older woman, easy and pleasant to talk to. And from the perspective of an adult, I would put most of the blame for that affair on my father.
jd & Mac –
It helps if you click on the link. It goes to my runner-up favorite post by Gerard.
The name “Vanderleun” is Dutch, not German, and the eu sound is different in Dutch and more like “oo”. To be technical, I believe it’s “eeeoooo” but quite close together and always sounded to me like “oo.” Here’s a guy talking about combined vowel sounds in Dutch.
Yeah I thought it looked Dutch but didn’t know how the “eu” would be sounded. Or for that matter whether the name might have been Americanized into something like “vanderlin”. It just bugs me when I read a word, which involves hearing it in my head, and head can’t fix on the sound.
Mac:
Gerard’s family pronounces it “loon.”
It is in close relationships like this, where you come to know another, that one’s sense of self is heightened, even as one becomes lost and delighted with someone so different.
Intimacy is bidirectional exploration. Treasure the times.
Even if there is some kind of afterlife who knows if delights like this will be on the menu? I doubt it.