So, does everyone lie about sex?
In defending Anthony Weiner, actress Janeane Garofalo is quoted as saying, “Everyone lies about sex.”
Leaving aside both Weiner and Garofalo (I trust you’ll thank me for that), is it true—or sorta true, or kinda true—that everyone lies about sex?
I would agree that sex is one of the things that people are most likely to lie about, although of course it’s not true that everyone does. Sex is a powerful and potentially anarchic force, one that societies and organized religions have tried to harness, shape, and control for the sake of marriage and child-rearing, to greater or lesser success. And when it breaks free of those bonds—which it regularly does, and always will—the temptation on the part of the perpetrator to lie can be almost irresistible. Most people lie only to the spouses to whom they’ve been unfaithful; public figures such as Weiner and Clinton lie to the world, as well.
When we think of lies about sex, infidelity naturally comes to mind. One of the most searing experiences a person can undergo is to discover evidence that a previously-trusted spouse has been unfaithful. It shakes the foundations of trust so profoundly that it can easily lead to the sort of cynicism that Garofalo voiced, the idea that everybody is corrupt, everybody lies about this sort of thing (although not necessarily to her corollary notion that therefore it’s okay, no big deal). Sometimes a marriage can be repaired afterward, but very often the damage is fatal to the union, and the fallout is huge. So perpetrators who wish to remain married are strongly motivated to lie as a coverup—although all too often they’re so bad at it that they’re found out anyway.
But there are other ways to lie about sex. Some people lie in the direction of overestimating (or underestimating, I suppose) how much of it they’re getting, a common problem with sex surveys that rely on self-report. People lie in either direction about their sexual histories—whether they are virgins or not, or the depth and breadth of their previous sexual experience (historically speaking, a lie about this sort of thing has sometimes led to grisly consequences for the liar).
Women can lie to the men they sleep with about whether they’re having orgasms—some studies say that as many 60% of women have done this at least once. I wrote that women can lie about orgasms, but it turns out that men can lie too, and they do, although it would seem physiologically impossible—after all, wouldn’t there be evidence?. But apparently, where there’s a will there’s a way.
It’s over rated. I prefer woodworking and guitar playing.
Duplicity is the homage paid by vice to virtue.
I vividly remember being a teenaged virgin, listening depressedly to my contemporaries bragging about their exploits and conquests – when it suddenly dawned on me that they were lying through their teeth, all of them, and not even doing it all that well!
I resolved that, next time I had the chance to join the conversation, my goal would be to shut them all up… and make every single jaw drop within a minute or less. I made my deadline by at least thirty seconds… and never let sexual bragging bother me again.
(I believe my story involved two prostitutes, a trapeeze, and a camel, and then started getting weird. Amazingly, not a one of them questioned it.)
So does everybody lie about sex? Well, I did that time…
When sex has become more like scratching an itch than an expression of love, it’s no wonder these people think it’s OK to lie about it.
Can anyone explain why they lie about if they then are the first to claim that its no big deal and everyone does it?
I remember back when Clinton’s follies were coming to light and his defenders were busy trivializing sex–the old “Everybody lies about sex” routing that is now becoming new again. I saw Christopher Hitchens on C-SPAN belittling the concept–he hated Clinton anyway, and he made the point that politicians frequently lie about the insider money they make. He ironically suggested that there shouldn’t be any big deal about it, because “after all, everybody lies about money.”
Until fairly recently, the word “actress” was a euphemism for prostitute. If we looked very closely at Hollywood, the arts, and at least parts of Wall Street (witness Danielle Chiesi in the Galleon Affair), the practices of the demimonde are part of the path to success for women and men. Under such circumstances, it is only good business not to disclose that the merchandise is a bit shopworn.
Garofalo misses the point with expert adroitness. Does “everybody” lie about sex? No. Do some? Sure. Do most? Maybe. Not to pound away at the obvious, but the least of the problems with Weiner is that he “lied about sex.”
It’s very simple. Anyone with an ounce of sanity and judgment would know that to do what Weiner did, and then to have it come out, would get one barbecued in public. Call it hypocritical, call it prudishness – call it what you will, but be sure to call it a fact. Plain as day, it’s just a fact.
And to go on despite the knowledge of that fact – which would require the bare minimum of prudence to bow to – and proceed to score such a boneheaded own-goal, and then, on top of it all, to pretend as though one didn’t do so by emitting a skunkish miasma of lies, smears and prevarications, reveals a gangrene in the old judgment faculty that is beyond worrisome.
The stupidity is akin to mugging oneself in a black alley – walking in, holding a gun to one’s head, and extorting oneself. It’s Jerry Springer stuff.
And Weiner did it all for what? An ego massage? As Churchill once said of someone, Weiner has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. In Soviet Russia he might have been a Yezhov-type character; in republican America he’s just a monomaniacal, pathetic weasel.
Garofalo can have him. A match made in heaven, if you ask me.
Yes.
And, re: Garofalo: whence the rage. I mean, really? I saw her in that dog movie, and also in (sometimes life gets a wee bit droll) Dogma and maybe she hasn’t worked too much of late but how would she like to be working the counter at a plumbing supply store?
Full disclosure: I worked at a plumbing supply store in Chicago where landlords would bring in a faucet stem which the catalog said was last made in 1940 and curse me because we didn’t have a replacement.
Neo: you’re the therapist. What…WHAT is she so furious about?
I believe that the most troubled and dangerous persons are those who DO NOT lie about their sexual transgressions but boast about them. Those who lie at least have some conscience and acceptance of norms of public decency. But hubristic advocates of promiscuity and perversions are true public enemy, who must be shamed, tarred and feathered until they shut up. At the very least, social exclusion and boycott must be applied to them.
I think Garofalo was confused. Everybody lies about AFTER sex.
The sexual instinct, with it’s strength and pleasure, is what allows us to survive as a species. When a man and woman love each other and create children, it is a wondrous thing that can bring out the best in us. Anyone who has children knows how much the love of a child can raise our consciousness and make us better humans.
That melding of a strong desire with love of another human and the uplifting of our life is, however, not easily achieved. Sex gone bad – permiscuous sex, devious sex. sexual predation, bastard children, a multitude of STDs, and much more all have the possibility of turning what should be an uplifting, inspirational part of our lives into a hell. (Ask Congressmean Weiner.)
Our society has, as neo mentioned, attempted to control and channel the sex drive toward family formation, love, and good citizenery. However, religious strictures and shaming have had the effect of driving it underground into areas where we don’t quite know what to do. We ask ourselves, “If it’s so wrong, why does it feel so right?” And, “I love my wife, but that other woman looks very desirable. Why am I faced with this temptation?” The liberals answer has been sex education in the schools which has provided a message of, “If it feels good, just DO IT!” We all got mixed messages and so many boys and girls today are growing into adolescence with raging hormones and mixed messages as to how to channel them into a stable loving relationship and eventual parenthood.
Our society is literally drenched in sexual messages in the media, online, in “dirty book stores,” and even in clothes worn by some. So it is in our face every day – not that most men need much stimulus being the way we are. That does not help the situation. Not that i would recommend the Muslim approach. That’s just driving it underground and confessing that men cannot control themselves.
What is amazing to me is that we are not more screwed up than we are considering our inability to find a good way to channel and control this most powerful force. Is it any wonder people lie, when they feel shame, desire, pleasure, uncertainty, and much more all at once. Who wouldn’t like to be a master of their own feelingts, desires, and abilties when it comes to this most central part of us? Yet most of us (at least I think most of us – maybe it’s only me) muddle through, never feeling completely knowledgeable, competent, or successful. But we keep trying even when we can no longer produce children because it is, even when it’s just average, such a powerfu and pleasurable experience. At least that’s the way this old codger sees it.
The only acceptable resolution of this mess is restoration of Victorian age decorum, if not literally Victorian age moral. There should be clear and universally accepted firewall between public and private. Let keep government out of it, with all their repressive laws and punishments. Public itself should dispense its rewards and punishmets. I would not object if authorities allowed gay parades, for example, as long as I were allowed to pelt them with rotten eggs and tomatoes. Government that leaves crimes unpunished has no buisness to ban lynching.
Libby has bingo:
“When sex has become more like scratching an itch than an expression of love, it’s no wonder these people think it’s OK to lie about it.”
In my opinion, Daniel in Brookline hits the target. At least when it comes to the male of the species (being a male of the species myself), all men lie about having sex.
I would lie if I had ever had sex with Janeane Garofalo.
nolanimrod Says: “Neo: you’re the therapist. What…WHAT is she so furious about?”
She’s mad because she’s not getting any.
I would lie if I had ever had sex with Janeane Garofalo.
Definitely. Although I’ve never been drunk enough to have considered sex with her in the first place, and find her about as sexy as a standard office filing cabinet, if the impobable happened and I found her next to me one morning, I’d never admit it. I think I just threw up a little.
janeane, hurry home…you forgot to turn off your vibrator…
Until fairly recently, the word “actress” was a euphemism for prostitute.
Still is.
The Dims are running to Weiner’s defense with any ridiculous narrative they can concoct. Except of course the ones who are running away from him as fast as
they can–mostly professional pols.
It is really stretching things to say that Weiner lied about sex. He wasn’t engaged in sex in any normal sense; he was engaged in exhibitionism. Sex is a normal human activity; exhibitionism is…something else.
At any rate, we should not let them obscure the essential point. A politician does not have a license to lie to the public about anything, be it sex, perversion, fiscal dishonesty or political intent. We entrust them with power; they must sustain that trust–or leave power.
In order to lie about sex, you must talk about sex. If you don’t talk about it, you can’t lie about it. And since our society encourages us to talk about it, we are encouraged to the tempation of lying about it.
You’d have to lie about sex in Hollywood. Hollywood can’t take too much truth or it’d go up in flames.
People are assuming they’d wake up from Garofalo’s sexual relations. That may not always be true given the black widow behavior of Leftists.
If the men are like Wiener and Ted Kennedy… what makes anyone think the female are any better?
Females as a rule are much better since they have more control over ther behavior. Level of testosteron in blood stream is directly related to risky and reckless behavior and propensity for aggression. Exactly because of this they are expected to behave better and usually are more harshly punished when they break social norms.
I lie about sex. I tell people I have it.
“I wrote that women can lie about orgasms, but it turns out that men can lie too, and they do, although it would seem physiologically impossible–after all, wouldn’t there be evidence?”
Forgive me for being graphic, but you brought it up:
1) If a man ejaculates while inside the woman, the “evidence” is, well, inside the woman. It would be easy for a man to pretend to have reached orgasm this way. As long as nobody is looking *really* hard for evidence.
2) Also, it’s possible to reach orgasm without ejaculating much or any evidence. (This is especially true if one has been taking matters into his own hands regularly…)
Now *why* a man would need to pretend is beyond me…
Peter: It’s difficult to answer without being graphic, but I’ll give it a whirl.
The “evidence” doesn’t stay inside the woman for long.