A message from FredHjr’s wife
I received the following lovely note from FredHjr’s wife, who wanted me to post it on my blog. Feel free to comment with messages to her and to the family.
To all of FredHJr’s blogger buddies:
I am Fred’s wife Monica. All of your comments have been so kind and comforting. From what Fred at times told me, I know some discussions on the blogs could be heated. I appreciate everyone being so respectful with their comments, as I know my husband would have been in a similar situation. His mom and dad and siblings never knew of his blogging interest and were amazed and comforted by the comments as well.
You have all seemed to have had a good sense of who he was even though you never met him face to face. He was a gentle man with a big heart, lots of compassion and a wonderful brain. He also had a sense of adventure and although he suffered from arthritis we were still able to enjoy traveling and some outdoor activities.
His death was sudden. I tried all I could to revive him when I got home. All my health care training kicked in but he couldn’t come back to me. I have lost my core, after 20 wonderful years of marriage.
Fred and I are very sensitive people. Not a day went by without saying “I love you” to the other: usually more than once a day. We had disagreements but never a heated argument. We never said words we wished to take back. We never took each other for granted. I have no regrets except that we didn’t have 20 more years together.
I’ve been telling all who came to his wake and funeral to never take a loved one for granted.
Let me end this message with a quote my cousin gave me because it reminded her of my Fred:
Live Simply
Love Generously
Care Deeply
Speak Kindly
Sincerely,
Monica
I never know aht to say here to comfort people.
but all i can think of is an old poems.
Do not stand at my grave and weep by Mary Frye
—————————————-
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
and for those that want to understand in some way the pain. i would suggest natalie merchange my beloved wife.. for i am sure that, like my friend, she felt the same for her husband as the songs focus was with his wife.
[perhaps this song should not be presented to fredhjrs wife… i dont know – it may be too powerful]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqW_xKW030U&feature=related
The change of the guard
Diapers of cloth changed in the night
That sweet little cry, life’s gentle delight
Formula being made by sleepy eyed Mother
Tiny little heart so dependent on others.
Daddy speaks softly as they switch on the light
“You stay in bed Hon, it’s my turn tonight”
I’ve watched many times ~it doesn’t seem hard”
Time has now come for “The Change Of The Guard.”
Years pass quickly and another great sight
God gives us a new boy ~ a perfect delight
Double the blessing but it wasn’t hard.
Especially when always ~ “The Change Of The Guard.”
How blessed we all were ~ as days turned to night
Months turned to years with our family so “tight”
Mother was blessed with a man who worked hard
He never complained at “The Change Of The Guard.”
Driver License day Mother’s heart in a fright
Dad kept his cool and said “Oh dear it’s all right.”
The kids all grown now ~playing ball in the yard
Girlfriends now enter ~ “The Change Of The Guard.”
Both have been married ~ Our lives with new light
We now have “new daughters” so pretty and bright
Grandson arrives to our youngest ~ “The Card”
Soon he will learn of “The Change Of The Guard.”
Granddaughter arrives ~ Oldest son holds her tight
Diapers now paper ~ canned formula made right
This Daddy is ready ~ and knows it’s not hard
He has been prepared for “The Change Of The Guard.”
Blessed we have been to a life made so bright
A family so close ~ like a Beacon of Light
As adults their decisions were always quite hard
Looked always to Dad for “The Change Of The Guard.”
Our youngest son blessed us ~ his timing was right
A new Christmas baby ~ with eyes big and bright
Our son so mature with decisions so hard
Never complained about “The Change Of The Guard.”
Our oldest called “Home” to Heaven’s Great Light
The world was now changed when he left from our sight
A void always present ~ Our hearts were so scarred
Our beloved still with us for “The Change Of The Guard.”
Then God called my soul mate and said “I know it’s been hard”
You leave well your family with highest regards
Time for new purpose to relax in God’s Yard
Well done on the earth at “The Change Of The Guard.”
So Mother and children on earth have been Blessed
With love from the heaven’s that’s always professed
And though those we love are gone and it’s hard
I hold to the glory of “The Change Of The Guard.”
My Beloved Is Mine and I Am His
Francis Quarles
Even like two little bank-dividing brooks,
That wash the pebbles with their wanton stream,
And having ranged and searched a thousand nook
Meet both at length in silver-breasted Thames
Where in a greater current they conjoin
So I my Best-Beloved’s am, so he is mine
Even so we met; and after long pursuit
Even so we joined; we both became entire
No need for either to renew a suit,
For I was flax and he was flames of fire
Our firm united souls did more than
So I my Best-Beloved’s am, so he is mine.
If all those glittering monarchs that command
The servile quarters of this earthly ball
Should tender in exchange their shares of land,
I would not change my fortunes for them all:
Their wealth is but a counter to my coin;
The world’s but theirs, but my Beloved’s mine.
Nay, more: if the fair Thespian ladies all
Should heap together their diviner treasure,
That treasure should be deemed a price too small
To buy a minute’s lease of half my pleasure.
‘Tis not the sacred wealth of all the Nine
Can buy my heart from him, or his from being mine.
Nor time, nor place, nor chance, nor death can bow
My least desires unto the least remove;
He’s firmly mine by oath, I his by vow;
He’s mine by faith, and I am his by love;
He’s mine by water, I am his by wine;
“Thus I my Best?Beloved’s am, thus he is mine.
He is my altar, I his holy place;
I am his guest, and he my living food;
I’m his by penitence, he mine by grace;
I’m his by purchase, he is mine by blood;
He’s my supporting elm, and I his vine:
Thus I my Best-Beloved’s am, thus he is mine.
He gives me wealth, I give him all my vows;
I give him songs, he gives me length of days;
With wreaths of grace he crowns my conquering brows;
And I his temples with a crown of praise,
Which he accepts as an everlasting sign,
That I my Best-Beloved’s am; that he is mine.
i am at work, i have tears. i can’t even follow my own poetry… sigh…
the world has not enough people like fredhjr
seems like god likes to take the best for himself. 🙂
Many thanks, Monica, for bringing us ‘into the loop.’ With Fred’s death we are all a little poorer; by including us, you have made us just a little richer.
For Monica,
Having lost my husband of 37 years in October, I truly understand what you are going through. It’s the most terrible thing that can happen to a person. You can be reassured that he knew that you loved him and that he was cared for. I would recommend that you check into Grief Net-http://rivendell.org/ . It’s been helpful to me, to have people that understand what grief can be like. I am so sorry for your loss–he will be missed.
Thanks for sharing, Art, you’re making me get teary-eyed at work, too.
Ecclesiastes 7:4 “The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.”
It is times like these that I understand the meaning of that text. As I reflect on the loss to Fred’s family and especially his wife, I am reminded which things in life are the most valuable.
Monica, your letter reminds me of this comment Fred made on April 10, 2009, in response to an article and discussion posted on Apr 7, 2009 titled “Compatibility: Women are sniffing Men out – literally” :
FredHjr:
“I’ve been married happily for over 20 years now. I seem to not recall that the scent of my wife had anything to do with our compatibility or the fact that we have worked at our relationship. Love, built on friendship and affection. I make a distinction between lust and love/affection. Sure, you can make a case that the right scents can arouse lust and heighten it. But will it be a proper foundation?
I think not.
Our society is littered with the remains of failed relationships and marriages that were based on things that don’t last. Most of all, based upon the poor judgment of people who don’t know themselves or others.”
Can be found here :
http://neoneocon.com/2009/04/07/compatibility-women-are-sniffing-men-out-literally/
The lucky among us can count on one hand the Freds in our lives – solid, reliable, moral, and kind through thick and thin.
Monica, your time with Fred was cut short, and nobody but you knows how much you’ll miss him, but I have confidence that you’ll carry on much enriched by your time with him.
My best to you.
Monica, I learned from Fred while he was still with us, and having read your message about who he was and how he lived, I have to say I’m still learning from him — through you — even now. I’m glad you had your 20 years with him, though it wasn’t nearly long enough, and thanks so much for sharing your memories with us.
Monica, you said that Fred had a “wonderful brain”. That’s a quality that really comes across on blogs, and it’s impossible for anyone to hide the lack thereof for long.
Fred was one of my favorite commenters here, and he had some serious competition.
Thank you for your kind letter, and my best wishes to you and your family.
What a sweet and wonderful couple — loving another person like Freddy and Monica is a model for us all to remember, best wishes again to the family.
Monica,
Thank you for closing the loop with us. Though I did not know fred personally, I read his comments and we had a few brief dialogs. He seemed like a good man, which makes his loss all the greater. But our loss pales in comparison to yours. Our prayers and deepest sympathy.
I hope that as time goes by you keep Fred in your heart, as I’m sure you will and continue on with your life in the best possible way. It will make you happy in time, and I’m sure it would make Fred happy too.
I am reminded by a fragment of a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay,
The hours I spent with you dear heart,
Are as a string of pearls to me.
I count them over every one apart,
My rosary, my rosary.
[Jimmy J has some trouble posting here, so he sent this to me to post it for him.]
A poem for FredHjr.
TRUE MEASURE
Author unknown
How long we live is not for us to say.
We may have years ahead, or but a day.
The length of life is not of our control.
But length is not the measure of the soul…
Not length, but width and depth define the span
By which the world takes measure of a man.
It matters not how long before we sleep,
But only how wide is our life…how deep.
It is plain to see from Fred’s comments here and from your note that his was a life both wide and deep. We mourn, but at the same time we know were blessed to have known him, if even for a short time. May God’s grace be with you as you continue your life’s journey.
To Monica and family,
I am so sorry for your loss of such a good man.
When something like this happens open yourselves to those around you because these shared moments can bring new closeness, new meaning and new understanding. Thank-you for allowing us to be there.
Sorrow;
It hurts deep down inside.
One feels diminished,
less than he has been.
Empty,
Bereft-
Forlorn and incomplete.
Sorrow is a painful word
but if someone is there
to share the feeling
it becomes endurable
and in the scheme of things
A time of being
that includes great emotion
and thus a time of closeness,
growing and becoming someone more
than we have been before.
-author unknown
Your will always love Fred as I will always love Rennae.
I lost her on July 08th, 2006.
What I learned from her stays with me. I try to make her proud accepting that I’m not perfect. Her lessons made me a better man.
I think the most important thought that helped me was being grateful for having such wonderful memories and time and for having a love so good.
I know that the man she helped me become will benefit me forever.
You’ll realize the impact Fred had on you for years to come.
And you’ll smile. As he was a blessing.
I am so very, very sorry for your loss and the terrible ordeal you are now in. I found a grief group to be beneficial after my wife died 17 months ago. We continue on, somehow, in their honor and we continue being the people we were able to become because of them, thus they live on.
Dear Monica
How sad it is to hear of Fred’s passing. Good chap Freddy was. I hope you have family around helping each other cope with the loss.
I really can’t say more than what’s already been said
regards to you and yours
Alan B
Was thinking of Fred today, which lead me to here.
FF certainly was lost without him, and many of us miss that ballance that kept us all from going insane.
I hope all is well with you. God Speed.
How Ironic a friend made a post today on FB that lead me to think of Fred once more.. I wounder what Fred would think that now this Die in the Wool Baptist has now converted to becoming a Catholic. No doubt I am quickly learning from the church what Fred displayed always patients and kind heartiness. Though in these political times many might disagree with that , it is none the less true. God Bless Monica and I hope all is well.